About Me

My photo
Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Maybe I really am asleep and just dreaming that I have insomnia?  The zombie chicken people are messing with my head, so I am not sure.

"Insomnia" will do the weirdest things to your brain.  Yes, I have waaaaaaay too much going on in my head when I lay down to go to sleep.  I can't shut it off.  The weirdest things pop into your head.  I feel like I am STONED?!  Just keep reading...

Ok, I admit, I smoked a little pot in my day.  So what.  Don't judge me.  That was so "high school."  However, if you've ever smoked a little pot in your day, you could probably relate to this.  Thirty plus years later and this is what insomnia has done to me.  It's taken me waaaaaaay back....

Here's what being STONED and insomnia have in common:

1.  Weed makes you feel stupid, as does insomnia:  I am in a foggy haze all the time.  I see things, sort of. There is a sense of cloudiness affecting my thoughts.  I say stupid stuff.  And, whoever is making those weird voices, STOP IT.  Don't you hear them too? 

2.  Weed makes you giggle, as does insomnia:  Sometimes I am so insanely tired that I just giggle for no reason.  And things that you think are funny, not every one else does, necessarily.  For example, I thought it was funny when my 3 year old said, "OH SHIT" the other day.  Hubby, nooooot so much.  I am quite sure on a good day, with sleep the night before, I wouldn't have thought so either. 

3.  Weed is illegal, and insomnia makes you want to do illegal things:  For instance, I was in Walmart yesterday and found myself swiping coupons off the Pepsi bottles.  I'm pretty sure that's stealing?!  Also, in my "right" mind, would I really want to consider murdering my next door neighbor when he revs up the leaf blower on a Sunday morning at 6 a.m.?  I live in Arizona, you are only blowin dust homeslice!

4.  Weed gives you the munchies, as does insomnia:  Speaking of that trip to Walmart yesterday, I found myself opening a big bag of Hershey's kisses while perusing the aisles.  I paid for them, I just borrowed a few before I got home.  Yes, it was necessary! I think this is what they call "emotional eating."  And those late nights, when that ole insomnia kicks in, watching Iron Chef America, oh I'm going to the kitchen and iron chef me up something to eat!

5.  Weed impairs your sound judgement, as does insomnia:  The other day I yelled at my husband for going to work...GOING TO WORK! 

6.  Weed makes you sluggish, as does insomnia:  I've walked around the house in my pajamas for 3 weeks now with a thermometer hanging out of my mouth like I am a sick person just staring off into space.  Stoned.  Dumbfounded.  Oops just passed by that big dust bunny without a second thought (I ain't bendin over, that's too much energy).  I was actually going to write this blog a week ago, but I didn't feel like it.  No motion.  No direction.  No progress. 

I've named my insomnia "Lady Misery."  She's a beast, that girl!  I don't know where she came from, but I certainly hope she hasn't planned on camping out at my house for too long.  She has already overstayed her welcome.  Time for her to kick rocks.  I am hoping this is just a phase of life and that Lady Misery won't last long.  I actually did get a good nights sleep last night.  So let me just say this, "Bitch if you come back I'm calling the local weed dealer!"  Just kidding, just kidding.  It's a joke from a very, very sleepy woman!