About Me

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Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I said to my husband a few months back, "I'm eliminating ALL the negative from my life and my body and, unfortunately, that includes YOU!"  He took that to mean that he should probably make the bed more often, yet we both knew I'm in full blown menopause!  Everything he does bothers me!  Don't breathe, your bothering me!  He just smiles and nods.  He doesn't take anything I say too seriously these days.  In fact, he is treating me like a delicate, glowing pregnant woman about to give birth.  I don't know if he is truly scared of me, or if he is just really understanding.  The meaner I am, the nicer he gets.  I say, "I'm going to drive a screwdriver through your skull!"  He says, "I love you honey."  Did he hear me?? 

I've been given options from my doctor to help treat this raging mammoth living inside me, though I am limited in medical options that are available to most women.  Due to my own personal health history, as well as my mother having had breast cancer, estrogen is NOT an option for me.  Birth control...Nope!  Over-the-counter herbals...failed!  A hysterectomy?  Last option, perhaps my only option!

How do I describe menopause?  Anxiety ✓  Bloated ✓  Irritable Raging Bitch ✓  Nauseous ✓  Bones aching ✓  Itchy ✓  Farty ✓  Incontinent Pee running down your leg ✓  Cry baby ✓  Night sweats ✓  Hot flashes ✓


Laying in bed trying to sleep.  Forget about it!  It's the FIRES OF HELL!  The air kicks on, I'm cold.  The air kicks off, I'm sweating.  I toss.  I turn.  I watch my peaceful husband laying next to me sound asleep.  I get up on my elbows, roll my eyes, and then think about how can I hurt him?!  That's pretty bad, right?  Especially after he just gave me a full body massage to try to help me sleep; I knew it wouldn't work, but hey, I'm no dummy, he offered.  Sleeping, such a simple task right?  I love to sleep.  Now, I just have bags under my eyeballs.  I'm so tired!  On the bright side, I've learned all there is to know about "Nick At Night."

 During the day, I have a rambunctious, incredibly animated 3 year old.  Currently all daytime "outside" activities are being handled by daddy.  Even doing the dishes, I'm sweating.  I sweat so bad, my glasses are foggy.  I've NEVER been a person who sweats!  I don't like it!  I have to take a shower 3 times a day to feel "fresh," and even then, it's not enough.  And, if that's not bad enough, what the freak is this growing on my upper lip and my chin?  A garden?

I am pretty darn sure, like all the other brave women before me, I will make it through this horrible life crisis I am currently in.  I know what I gotta do.  I have issues with that word HYSTERECTOMY!  I am not sure why.  I think I associate that with a finale (of my life).  I know it's not.  Hell, my child is barely getting ready to start preschool later this year.  I still have a lot to do!!  I have overcome medical issues much worse than this.  I refuse to let it beat me down!  I'm getting off this freeway....

For you men who might be reading this?  Stop laughing.  Some men go through ANDROPAUSE!  Yeah, who's laughing now bro?

And for ALL my fellow menopausal lady friends, Bless Your Heart!  This too shall pass....

Sunday, May 12, 2013


 Can they see me?

My mom once, twice, okay a bajillion times said to me growing up, "You are spoiled rotten and one day you will have a child just like you!"  Yeah.  Little did I know she meant it!

Then, when I met my husband, he too figured out real quick just what a "little brat" I was am!  And, he vowed to the heavens that he was "NOT going to continue to entertain it or spoil me!"  He was going to undo what my parents did.  Yeah.  Okay. 

Who, me?  What are you talking about how spoiled and bratty I am?  Do you see a pony in my backyard?  Exactly.

Little did I know, until becoming a mom myself, just how exhausted my parents must have been trying to keep up with Judy, her wants, and her little antics.  Because, my beautiful little baby girl, who never gave me any problems in the past, has become "THAT CHILD." You know what I'm talking about.  Every mom's nightmare!

The infant years, a breeze.  At 1 year old, skipped right on through it singing zippity doo dah day.  Two year old, WOW we got the BEST little girl, no "terrible twos."  And then, she hit THREE!

You can't prove I ate it!

 Yes, I've been playing with the electrical sockets!

Chalk Sniper!

 I found dad's camera, and if I just press this button right here!
Would you like a little powdered sugar on your French toast?  Yes, please.
TRIX are NOT for kids...


My Aunt Pam got me an "ishie" (fishie), but....
I got BUSTED trying to take "ishie" out of the bowl!
My mugshot 2013!
Escaped from the "Time Out" chair...do you think they will notice it's not me?

You can bribe me all day and all night, but I am NOT going to cooperate!

And this was actually a good day....

Okay.  I know what you are all thinking.  Where are you at mom and dad when she does all this?  For all those that said that, you obviously do not have children!  Take a seat.  Have a beverage.  Listen up...

These little people are like a jackrabbit, they are spry and energetic, they move like the wind.  They prey on our weaknesses, mostly that we cannot move nearly as fast as they can or hear quite as good as they do.  Most days I feel like Wile E. Coyote chasing that damn roadrunner, "meep meep!"  So, unless you have walked a mile in my shoes with a 3 year old, don't judge me.  Do not underestimate the powers of a 3 year old.  They will win.  They will take you down.  They will make you second guess yourself.  They will triumph in the end.  So don't fight it, and don't even bother going to the doctor for it.  There is no vaccine.  I have asked.  Twice.  I've discovered I am raising a spoiled little child, just like me, and there's just no way around it now!  I guess I will suck it up and shut up.  I'll give her this one, for now!

But, just remember...

One day, she too will have children!