It's been a long time since I've written. I think my last letter was postmarked like 1972. It was thoughtless of me to not write all these years. And though I know I shoulda been on the naughty list from 1982-1987, you still looked out for me. I really have no excuse.
It's now 2013 and here I am writing you once again. Why? Because shit just got real!!!
As you can see, I am writing this letter using my child's #2 pencil, of which the eraser is half chewed so I will try to hold on any mistakes. (No pens allowed here; it's waaaaaay easier to wash pencil off the walls, and furniture).
I have been a good mom this year!! I fed my child, I bathed my child, I played with my child, I read to my child, I even cuddled with my child. My point is, I have managed to keep a HUMAN BEING ALIVE! That should count for something right?
I don't usually ask for much, but this year I am gonna need some things:
1. A new pair of legs. I have a fast running 4 year old.
2. A pre-pregnancy body. Anybody's will do. (Never mind that my daughter was adopted).
3. A CD of James Earl Jones (Darth Vader voice) with pre-recorded sayings of, "Don't Touch That," "Get Down," "Don't Paint The Cat," "Stop It," and my favorite, "GO TO BED!"
4. A "Rosie Robot!" You know that chick who was the maid for the Jetson's? I really gotta have one.
5. I would love a new car with "fingerprint resistant windows." Yeah one of those.
6. An extra 6 inches! Oops let me explain...OF BED, an extra 6 inches of the bed!
7. A TV that NEVER plays anything with talking animals!! If that's too much, then a stereo that NEVER plays Old McDonald, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or that pesky lullaby theme (yeah yeah we get it, bough falls down, all bad, go to sleep already)!
8. A talking dolly that says, "You Are The BEST Mom!" To boost my confidence as a mom and shit.
If it's too late to find any of these, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature and to drink a Pepsi BEFORE the ice melts.
Also, one last thing. I am not sure if this is a God thing or a Santa thing, but could we declare ketchup and spaghetti sauce as a veggie? That would clear my conscious immensely!
Here's to safe travels Santa. Feel free to help yourself to all the cookies you want at my house, take your boots off and warm your tootsies by my fireplace, and sip some of that hot chocolate. (If that pesky elf you sent here leaves you any)!
Well Santa, the dryer buzzer just went off. That's my cue. Not to mention the fact that my child just found me writing this letter in the refrigerator behind the crisper section, aaaaaand she wants her half eaten #2 pencil back!
PS: I used the back side of the latest cable bill statement to write you this letter. Feel free to pay it if you feel that is a better gift instead. Thank You.
PPS: If the elf is still alive when you get here, kick him in the balls. I think he pinched me!!
PPPS: Never mind. You can disregard the PPS....