About Me

My photo
Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Saturday, May 25, 2013


I said to my husband a few months back, "I'm eliminating ALL the negative from my life and my body and, unfortunately, that includes YOU!"  He took that to mean that he should probably make the bed more often, yet we both knew I'm in full blown menopause!  Everything he does bothers me!  Don't breathe, your bothering me!  He just smiles and nods.  He doesn't take anything I say too seriously these days.  In fact, he is treating me like a delicate, glowing pregnant woman about to give birth.  I don't know if he is truly scared of me, or if he is just really understanding.  The meaner I am, the nicer he gets.  I say, "I'm going to drive a screwdriver through your skull!"  He says, "I love you honey."  Did he hear me?? 

I've been given options from my doctor to help treat this raging mammoth living inside me, though I am limited in medical options that are available to most women.  Due to my own personal health history, as well as my mother having had breast cancer, estrogen is NOT an option for me.  Birth control...Nope!  Over-the-counter herbals...failed!  A hysterectomy?  Last option, perhaps my only option!

How do I describe menopause?  Anxiety ✓  Bloated ✓  Irritable Raging Bitch ✓  Nauseous ✓  Bones aching ✓  Itchy ✓  Farty ✓  Incontinent Pee running down your leg ✓  Cry baby ✓  Night sweats ✓  Hot flashes ✓


Laying in bed trying to sleep.  Forget about it!  It's the FIRES OF HELL!  The air kicks on, I'm cold.  The air kicks off, I'm sweating.  I toss.  I turn.  I watch my peaceful husband laying next to me sound asleep.  I get up on my elbows, roll my eyes, and then think about how can I hurt him?!  That's pretty bad, right?  Especially after he just gave me a full body massage to try to help me sleep; I knew it wouldn't work, but hey, I'm no dummy, he offered.  Sleeping, such a simple task right?  I love to sleep.  Now, I just have bags under my eyeballs.  I'm so tired!  On the bright side, I've learned all there is to know about "Nick At Night."

 During the day, I have a rambunctious, incredibly animated 3 year old.  Currently all daytime "outside" activities are being handled by daddy.  Even doing the dishes, I'm sweating.  I sweat so bad, my glasses are foggy.  I've NEVER been a person who sweats!  I don't like it!  I have to take a shower 3 times a day to feel "fresh," and even then, it's not enough.  And, if that's not bad enough, what the freak is this growing on my upper lip and my chin?  A garden?

I am pretty darn sure, like all the other brave women before me, I will make it through this horrible life crisis I am currently in.  I know what I gotta do.  I have issues with that word HYSTERECTOMY!  I am not sure why.  I think I associate that with a finale (of my life).  I know it's not.  Hell, my child is barely getting ready to start preschool later this year.  I still have a lot to do!!  I have overcome medical issues much worse than this.  I refuse to let it beat me down!  I'm getting off this freeway....

For you men who might be reading this?  Stop laughing.  Some men go through ANDROPAUSE!  Yeah, who's laughing now bro?

And for ALL my fellow menopausal lady friends, Bless Your Heart!  This too shall pass....

No comments:

Post a Comment