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Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Monday, February 28, 2011


Agorophobia.  If you aren't quite sure what it is, please click on the above link and at least get a quick look.  Though it's a "brief" description of the meaning of the word, when you live with it, it's a "long" process and not quite as easy as some may think. 

For about the last 8 years now, I have been living with agoraphobia.  Perhaps even longer when I think about it, but realizing now that it was a gradual process that one day ended up being exactly what it is, afraid of public places, afraid of being away from home, living in a shell that nobody can break through! 

I myself have come to the conclusion that it HAS to be more psychosomatic (NOT I'M NOT CRAZY) than anything else.  Because if it's an emergency situation, I have no problem with getting in my car and doing what has to be done, or grocery shopping, etc.  Now pretty much anything else, I will put offffffffffff until I cannot put it offffffffff any more.  I know that sounds more like a procrastinator.  That's not the same here.  

For example.  If I have a dr. appt on Monday afternoon at 2pm, when I wake up that Monday morning, my heart is beating out of my chest that I am going to have to leave the house today.  I have an appointment!  How can I get out of this appointment today?  Do I have to go?  Naw, not really, I could cancel it!  For the rest of the day, I will go back and forth with should I or shouldn't I go, and then worry about it allllllll day long until I make the decision, which 9 times out of 10, I'm gonna cancel the appointment!

I worry about EVERYTHING!  I worry about yesterday, I worry about tomorrow!  My mom did this too, and I used to be one of those naysayers who didn't understand what she was going through...NOW I DO!  And just like mom, I hate being too far from home.

So here I sit at home pretty much all the time living with fear, panic, and anxiety.  I have learned to live with it and am comfortable in my skin.  Yet, my phobia reflects upon others.  Some who understand it, some who think it's just plain crazy or even an "excuse," and some who just flat walk away.


Agoraphobia leads to anxiety which leads to panic attacks..... I've tried all the medications, all the counseling and therapy, and all the meditation I can do....UNSUCCESSFUL!

Anxiety is NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS!  The biggest misconception by most who don't understand it is that sometimes it is so overwhelming that you feel like you are going to DIE!  That I know of, no one has ever died from a panic attack, but a panic attack can cause a heart attack.  And believe me, the cold sweats, the foggy haze you go into, your throat closes up on you, you can't focus or pull yourself out of a trance!  You feel like you are about to DIE!

When I agreed to medication, they had started me on EVERYTHING you can think of to treat panic attacks, anxiety, even depression; though my therapist told me I, Judy Camel, am NOT a depressed person, I am not "manic" depressed nor "situationally" depressed (though people can become situationally depressed at any time).  I, however, am not depressed.  I have no reason to be depressed.  I have a great life, as many would say.  So after "ruling out" depression, we got to the root of my evil.  It's just straight "agoraphobia."  I have a huge panic attack about leaving my home!

I recently had finally agreed, by much proding by my neurologist, to begin another medication regimen, starting with clonazepam (an anti-anxiety medication) and Keppra (which is actually an anti-seizure medication).  My attacks are much like a seizure at times, especially when driving; which is now why I don't drive a whole lot. 

Sidebar:  If you have followed by blogs you will remember that the last car of mine I traded in after having it for 4 years had less than 15,000 miles on it....SERIOUSLY!  I go nowhere, if I can help it!  I do get out, like I said "neccessity" reasons for the most part.   

The very sad part of it all, as I said earlier, is how it effects others.  Mr. Camel, though it took him a very long time to understand it, has really dealt well with it.  Some friends and family didn't understand it and they just stopped calling.  Others, just get it!  You're living in a box, it's your "comfort zone." 
I love, love, love to entertain at home, but keyword, "home."  My "box."

I forgive my family who belittle my "anxiety."  They have no idea how terrifying an experience it can be.  I have forgiven my first physician who told me, "get over it, go to the mall."  I forgive my friends who stopped calling me because I could no longer go out.  Some people I just NEVER even told my story.....NOW I HAVE!


My end goal is to learn how to "cope" with it, since it's not really curable.  I will say the medication does help, but it's not a CURE!

Please don't come at me with the preachin of "just get over it, girl!"  Believe me I've tried it, been there and back with it, and none of this works for me!  Just "like" me or "love" me for who I am.  If you can't, just know that I understand that you DON'T understand.

Now, when Mr. Camel can get me out of the house, which is usually a "to-do" before we leave because not only do I have agoraphobia, I too suffer from OCD which = Now I'm worrying if the house is on fire because did I cook anything earlier, did I leave a candle burning somewhere in the house, did I turn off all the lights cuz "oh GOD what if one of the cats knock it over and sets fire to the house!"  These thoughts stick with you and what can emotionally make you ill, can quickly turn you physically ill. 


ANOTHER SIDEBAR:  Of note, it wasn't too difficult to runnnnnn like the wind last Saturday to get a pedicure after being home with a very sick baby all week.  When big daddy got home from work and said, "GoooooooOOOOO, I got her"......I WENT, QUICKLY!

I have recently made a concerted effort, because I certainly don't want Destini to grow up like this, that Sunday is now our "outing" day.  So far so good!  Baby steps....

For the past couple of weekends we have been getting out on Sunday's.  We went to the outlet stores in Anthem last weekend, then stopped by Metrocenter Mall, then to Outback Steakhouse for lunch.  Got Destini some cute cute clothes from The Gap, and of course, the Nike Outlet...both Bug and Destini got treats!  Hubby bought me some cute Nike's a few weeks before that, so I was good:
This past Sunday we went out to Avondale to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Now see if I wasn't such a "boogie" and scared of my own "shadow," I would have went to the store that my friend works at out in Chandler, but again..."Im a BIG boogie."  I know she had to work this past Sunday too, and hubby was all for the drive to surprise her, again I talked myself right out of it, too far I said.  I swear it's such a horrible fear!  I'm gonna work on it, though!  Star, I love you and I really did want to surprise you this weekend!  But don't fear sistah, I'm gonna make it out there, I really am!!!  Have faith in me, please!

We went to BBB out in Avondale instead, like I said, and spent dang near 300 bucks, because that's so easy for me to do there!  Nothing was a necessity really, except for my Yankee Candles.  If you've never tried them, I HIGHLY recommend you do!  They are kinda expensive, but worth the extra money.  And especially the 3-wick (the one in front), those are the ones I buy:
Second thing that caught my eye was The Cuisinart Stainless Steel pots and pans.   Been wanting me some for quite a while now.  I have pots and pans, true enough.  But I wanted the Cuisinart heavy duty stainless steel.  I'm working on my "Cuisinart" kitchen.  It's so unlike me to be impulsive -- as I'm a miser too -- but it did offer a 30 dollar rebate, and I said....."SCORE!"  Hubby was happy that I was happy....that's what makes HIM a good hubby! 
They are so dern purdy that after we got home I realized that I really want Mr. Camel to hang me a nice "pots and pans" holder from the ceiling.  So, guess what that means?  You got it, another "outing" next Sunday for Judy....How far will she wander from home????  Stay tuned.....

PS:  We went to MacCayo's for lunch/dinner after we got done shopping, gotta say....WASN'T IMPRESSED!  I haven't been in a long time, but it just wasn't the same to me.  I was bummed :/

Saturday, February 12, 2011


February 13, 1951

♥  Mom is preggers with ME  ♥
Dear Mom and Dad:

It wasn't until Destini came along that I realized what it means to be a "parent."  I now reflect seriously on the sacrifices you both made and the challenges you confronted in raising your children. 

You straightforwardly taught me right from wrong, good from bad, decent from indecent.  But it’s in learning these vital ethics---having them etched into my mind---that I grew to be respectable, responsible, productive, and a decent adult. 

You taught me that the big tough world out there rewards hard work, education, and honesty.  You taught me to be proud of who I am and never to envy what others possess.  You taught me where you both came from and the struggles it took to get you out of there. 

I thank you for taking me to church every Sunday, and every year to Vacation Bible School; and also for the day of my baptism.  I learned about belief in God and that He is our Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally---like a parent---we are sinners, we will make mistakes; but we will be Forgiven. 

I can't remember a time when we didn't have more than enough.  It would be selfish of me to say anything different. 

Though you are both in heaven now, my love for you is still as STRONG.  I hear your voices when I need advice.  I feel your arms around me when I need comfort.

Everything I am and everything I do always reflects on my upbringing, therefore I will TRY to be the best at parenting as the both of you were to me.  

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad, 

        I LOVE YOU, JUDY 

Dad, Mom, and Grandpa Walker - mom still preggers with my ME!


So it hadn't occurred to me until late this last week when I decided to do my blog for my parents anniversary that the 60th Wedding Anniversary gift is "white diamonds."  I guess after 60 years, a gal, or guy, would deserve that (I mean lets be really honest, to live together for 60 years with your significant other, nothing else would or could do)...I'm jus sayin!
Now my husband is a romantic, but he's NOT that romantic that he would know what was the appropriate and traditional 60th Wedding Anniversary gift, nor would I even expect him to know that.  But it just so happens that I got my Valentine's gift early this last week from him, talk about a coincidence.  I swear I just know that my MOM is always in the heavens looking out for me (my guardian angel in heaven and on earth), and she is making sure I received the last pieces of my puzzle after she was gone.  Though Destini is my biggest gift from heaven, mom always used to kid about wanting her "Alexis Carrington (Joan Collins)" diamonds, and I think she wanted to make sure that although she didn't get hers, I got mine...

As you might recall, my original wedding rings were recently stolen from our home.  Somehow it is hard to feel the same way about your rings, even if you get them back, after someone violated them.  They just don't seem so sacred to me anymore.  That probably isn't the best way to feel, but for right now, I just plain do!!!!  Okay, I really don't want to take this happy moment away with this nonsense!!!

I am truly grateful and blessed that it was so important to Mr. Camel to "right someone elses wrong," so that I felt WHOLE again.    


SIDEBAR:  Though I have no idea if he went to Jared's, and since they are so beautiful, plus I asked and he wouldn't tell, it really doesn't matter what jeweler he picked...HE PICKED THE RIGHT ONE!  


Saturday, February 5, 2011


Green Bay Packers -vs- Pittsburgh Steelers

Well MY team (AZ Cardinals) is not in the Super Bowl this year, so I have decided I will be shopping this year on Super Bowl day.  For the first year, we won't be cooking or BBQ'in at our house.  I told hubby, "find somewhere to go this year if you so choose."  Not that this will be a problem for him, he's got a few offers on the table!  I just decided I don't want to cook, I don't want to plan.  Now don't misunderstand, I will still make it home in time to watch a minute or two, or three of the game; ok, probably the whole game.  I do like the commercials, and especially the half time shows.  This year it's Fergie Ferg and the gang:

I'm not crazy about either team this year, but I just cannot find myself rooting for the Steelers since they robbed my Cardinals and all last year of the Title!  Let's not go there...

Then again, I don't really care much about Green Bay either!

I know, I know the Super Bowl is like a "holiday" in America, but I've decided to break tradition this year for me.  So like I said, I'm going shopping and not planning on slaving in the kitchen for a day, when I don't care who wins either way...


I think I will leave all you football fans out there with one of my dad's "all time" favorite football jokes:  

A man and his wife have gone to bed.  After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.  The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score!"

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.  He tries so hard that he poops all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides!!"

Happy Super Bowl XLV Dolls!!