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Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Please take the time to watch each video as you read my blog...there's a lot of meaning in each one


Why this subject today?  Well, I'm not getting divorced folks, calm down!  Lord knows though...I have been there, done that!  I bring up this topic of conversation because I have a friend going through a divorce and all of our friends have gathered together in a quick fashion to help her through one of the toughest times and the emotional rollercoaster that we could ever go through in our life.  With divorce, you are instantly thrown into a whole new world...whether you wanted to or not.  Every stage you go through isn't overnight, it's a process.  Your own process and length of time comes from within:

Stage 1.  Physically and emotionally ill.  I like to think of it has a "cleansing" of sort, both mind and body.  At the time, it sure doesn't feel like it though.  It feels like you have been beat up with a baseball bat every day because your body aches.  You're so stressed out that your nauseated until you vomit.  The depression, the anxiety, the insomnia (oh the humanity folks...sleep deprivation is the worst).  It's hard to shut your mind down, racing thoughts of EVERYTHING going on in your noggin, not just one thing.  Crying so hard and so much until you are dehydrated.  Did I mention how much crying?  Believe me, crying!  This too shall pass...


Stage 2:  Angry and bitter (no...PISSED OFF)!  Hate is such a strong emotion, but you start to think of the lies they told, their deceit, you're humiliated now; thereby PISSED OFF!  You've realized it's really really over.  You hate them so much you could do physical harm if they were standing in your face.  You start bashing them to everybody, or just to yourself.  You're ready to tell their dirty little secrets you kept over the years.  You can convince yourself you never loved them (that's a lie) and they never loved you (that's another lie).  You are now ready to stand up and defend yourself , BUT, unfortunately, for evil, not good :(  It takes a while to not be angry and bitter anymore.  As time goes by, you realize it was harder on yourself to "hate" and carry around that burden of anger on your shoulders.  A sense of forgiveness will soon come to rest.  It's a beautiful feeling when that happens because that means it's the beginning of healing your heart.  With that comes tears as well, but a much different teardrop will fall from your eye.  Each tear represents healing.


Stage 3:  Denial plus Acceptance.  Now you begin to think utter nonesense to yourself.  "Gonna be dang sorry you ever did this to me."  "Boy are you gonna miss me."  "Okay, we'll just see who needs who."  "I'll show them."  DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL.  Their reality right now is not your reality.  They haven't thought much about it actually  There are no ramifications to their decisions...YET!  They are out there "living it up" while you are at home going through REAL LIFE day after day after day.  As the days pass, okay okay as the months pass, you begin to realize to yourself they in fact aren't thinking about me and I'm sitting here watching life and friends and the world pass me by.  The walls are closing in on you.  A turnaround is overdue.  A strength (not physical, but mental) like you never knew you had will rush over you.  You get up, you do your hair, you put some makeup on and get outside and let the sunshine hit your face again.  Change your pattern....it's a start!  The days and nights don't seem so long any more, the crying isn't as often as it used to be, you've started physically moving your body again so that now that much needed sleep just "kicks in" on its own.  You're looking good, feeling better.  That alone makes others take notice of you now, and that makes for confidence!  

Upside for the second time:  DANG NEED SOME NEW CLOTHES, DONT FIT INTO ANYTHING!  Note:  You spent all your time in baggy sweats and baggy shorts that you forgot what it was like when you put real clothes on again and just how much they don't fit...YIPEE :)))) 



As you are feeling a sparkle of life again, a kind of karma will find its way to you.  The other spouse is now beginning the process of their emotional grief and that wake-up call.  They panic!  Just be glad you are waaaaaaaay ahead of that.  It doesn't mean they necessarily want to get back together, or maybe they do; regardless, you are looking good, feeling good, and certainly much more emotionally stable.  The divorce process now either turns ugly or it goes smoothly.  For the first time, you are 100% completely in control of your life and THEY AREN'T.  You have stopped thinking about them every day.  You're making new friends, maybe even a new job.  It finally dawns on you that I really don't even care where you are, or what you are doing, or who you are doing it with.  You may even give them a shoulder to cry on....LOL!

Stage 4:  Introspection/Reflection.  As the divorce is full speed ahead and a court date is set, a fear of the unknown sets in.  Whether you are a spiritual person or not, I think we talk to God a whole lot during a divorce.  Prayers seem to come more regular in our life.  There's a sense of peace within yourself that you haven't had in quite a while.  It's okay to be alone!!  It's okay to have God, my family, and my friends in my life to make me happy.  That's called GROWTH....


"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line"...Lucille Ball
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance"...Oscar Wilde
"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.  Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free"....Catherine Ponder

You are thinking more clearer than you have in months and months.  Reflecting on the bad memories is not as important as reflection on the good ones.  Letting it all go and realizing it will put a smile on your face.  There is no anger, sadness or bitterness...most importantly, you don't love them as it once was.  Your heart is finally free of the pain. 

Stage 5:  Finalizing the divorce.  This day is about YOU!  It's time to free your mind now that you have freed your heart.  After it's all said and done, papers signed and sealed by the court, go to lunch or have dinner with friends and family.  Make this day a happy day, not a sad one.  Your life is beginning a new chapter, it's not as scary as it sounds.  

I wish there was a magic pill that would allow you to get through those major lifestyle changes you have to make to get to where you are, or something that allows your heart to have never endured such pain where it feels like you can't breathe.  Your heart will go on (how cliche...I'm such a dork), you will love again.

Every person has that day that comes after the divorce where you feel like putting the top down or open the sun roof or just roll down the windows on the car, get in, start your car, get whatev is your fav song on your fav CD blasting, and hit the freeway and drive, drive, drive.  Play that song over and over again that makes you feel like you are living your life like it's GOLDEN...


This blog is dedicated to ALL MY FRIENDS for sharing their personal stories of divorce with me and their triumphs, which is what inspired me to reach out and help another.  You ALL know who you are♥

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