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Phoenix, Arizona, United States
Retro wifey, mommy to a princess, editor, PETA fanatic, and I Love Lucy!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

BITTERSWEET....(**warning some pics may be offensive to others)

It would seem that everything these days for me is bittersweet.  I haven't been this "uneasy" in a while.  I have more weight on my shoulders than I want to carry around.  Sometimes I think I sweat the small stuff too much; I actually will build the small stuff into MAJOR stuff if I sit around and psychoanalyze it long enough.  I cannot really pinpoint my moodiness to one thing, but I do know the decisions in the end are somehow bittersweet

Everybody who knows me knows how much I LOVE DESTINI!  My bond with her is so great that even I am amazed!!  Before Destini came along I was just about the most selfish person I know.  When I say selfish, what I really mean is that I never had to put anybody's "needs" above mine.  And, I always thought that if I ever had kids that I would be a horrible mother because I was so selfish.

When Desi's mother was pregnant, I fell in love with Desi before she was even born.  But, I still wondered if I would bond with her in a way that would make me have that feeling that other mothers talked about.  Would I be able to put someone elses needs above mine every single second of the day?  She wasn't my biological child, could I be that unselfish?  I have 2 nephews and 1 niece (my side of the family) whom I love and adore and dote on (they are all adults now).  But, they were my sister's kid and my brother's kids, so all I had to do was just love on them and be Aunt Judy.....That Was Easy! 

When Destini was born, my bond was instant!  As if she were my own!  Over her little 10 months of life, I have wondered now how I ever lived without her before.  Her lil face, her big brown eyes, her smile, her lil fingers and baby toes.

So how can that be bittersweet you say?  Well, if you know the story of Desi and the trials and tribulations we have been through in her little 10 months of life, fighting to keep her and wanting her to stay forever with us, it's very bittersweet

I don't have any legal rights to Destini.  She is NOT my baby, she is a baby that I help raise.  Yeah, tell that to my heart why don't you!  I worry every day if she will be taken away from me and not live here anymore.  I worry every day if she will be here for her first birthday.  I worry every day if this will be the last ba-ba I make for her.  I worry, worry, worry.....

Destini is, HOWEVER, related to my husband.  Destini is my husband's third cousin!  It was NEVER a question of his feelings for Destini from the get-go.  It was an automatic love for him, she is his family!

Bug and I have been willing to bend our whole lives in another direction since day #1 for Destini.  I want her mother to know that and to see that if she took her away from us again, it wouldn't be fair now to Destini or us.  Destini's mother is young and she needs our help to raise Destini, which is something we are willing and wanting to do.  Because she is such a young mother herself, she doesn't always make decisions that would be best for herself or Destini.  Again, she is YOUNG herself.  As we all know, you have to let the younger generations make their own mistakes.  I certainly did!!  I didn't always take my parents advice (even though they were ALWAYS right in the end).  I am aware she needs to make her own mistakes, but I beg of her to please NOT take Destini through it.  Don't take her away from what she knows is home, a safe environment where she is loved more than anybody else could love her.  I wish I had a little reassurance and I would feel so much better.  I wish I could make plans to take her to Disneyland or Sea World next summer, but I can't. All we get to do is love her day by day, moment by moment in hopes that she will always be home to stay.

So, as I said, loving her is bittersweet.

Bittersweet...We found out Desi's mother was pregnant last month, she was already 4 months along...YIKES!  Things weren't going real well between her and the new baby's father and she was really confused about being pregnant again.  She had options of adoption or keeping the baby.  Bug and I decided that we would support her decision in adoption, but that we just couldn't at this time help her to raise two babies.  I know she was confused and stressed out.  I finally convinced her to go the doctor and at least begin getting established with her OB again.  Bug and I felt she should have her boyfriend be involved and he should at least stand behind her during this pregnancy, until they ultimately make a final decision.

She did in fact go to her first dr. appointment and her boyfriend did accompany her.  Dr. Chavira's first question to her was WHERE WAS I AT?  I love Dr. Chavira ♥

Dr. Chavira did an ultrasound....IT'S A BOY!

She called me after her appointment on her way to work, and I think she was beginning to feel somewhat more at ease with the pregnancy.  I mean it's hard not to be excited about a human life...

About an hour later, I got another call from her saying that she had called the paramedics, something didn't seem right.  She could feel a head coming out!  My husband immediately rushed over to get her to the hospital.  The paramedics didn't seem so concerned for some reason.  They took her back immediately in the emergency department, my husband called her boyfriend who immediately rushed to the hospital.  I was impressed!

There was a strong heartbeat, good sign!  But, the baby was trying to enter the birth canal, bad sign :(  She was not even quite 5 months pregnant yet.  They were admitting her to the hospital and giving her medication to stop the contractions.  She went as far as overnight, until about 4am the next morning when she ultimately gave birth to baby boy O'Shay.  Baby O'Shay DID NOT SURVIVE at just under 5 ounces in weight.  

It was important that the family get to see him and hold him.  After a lot of back and forth with myself, a lot of great advice from friends, and with his mom's permission of course, I have decided to post pics of baby O'Shay Lee......


One of the things that stays on my mind lately is our immigration issue in the state that I have called home my whole life.  Bittersweet for me...

I am in no way going to turn my blog into a political debate on this issue.  I will say that this issue has broken my heart on both sides of the fence (no pun intended).  I have a friend, Robert (Hispanic), who was deported a few years ago back to Mexico.  I in fact had no idea he was here illegally.  He barely even spoke Spanish, didn't speak with an accent, talked just like me; and you just don't go around asking people when you meet them if they are here illegally or not.  Never even crossed my mind to ask someone that question.  He was our neighbor, lived right across the street.  He wasn't a good kid, a little juvie so to speak, nothing major, but enough to get him arrested and deported.  He has lived in the United States since he was 6 months old.  He didn't even know anybody in Mexico!  His whole family lives here!  At 18, he was being deported with no where to go, no family to turn to, no money, no clothes...a new life in a place with no opportunity.  I think I cried for this kid for a month straight.  He calls me when he can, which isn't very often.  I kinda felt like a mom to Robert, he always came to me for advice about girls and friends and work.  Again, it never occurred to Bug and I to ask if he was in the United States legally or illegally, nor would we ask anybody that question today.  We didn't know he was illegal until we saw ICE come and take him away in handcuffs and away from the only place he has ever known to be home.  I miss Robert and I think about him often.

On the other side, I feel that YOU MUST come here to our country, not just our state but our country, the legal way.  It only looks like "racial profiling" because all it took was for one person to throw the word "racism" in it to stir the pot.  You say the word "racist" and all HELL BREAKS LOOSE.  I do know that "illegal immigrants" in our country do look just like you and me.  We had a neighbor for years who was here from Haiti (clearly a black man) waiting for his immigration papers to come through.  My nephew is married to a German born woman (clearly as white as myself) who came here with her immigration status, visa and working permit intact.  So, NO I do not see color here in this immigration issue.  It's not about the color of someone's skin.  Immigrants, illegal or legal, are NOT just one color!  I couldn't go to another country without my papers intact, why should we expect anything less?

I blame the federal government for this.  We have acted so greedily and allowed people to enter our country without hesitation, and now we are in a MAJOR pickle.  We allowed 911 to happen in New York.  We allowed those people in our country and taught them how to fly airplanes...for the love of that ol mighty dollar.  Clinton knew long ago about Osama Bin Laden and his hatred for our country; Oliver North knew about Osama Bin Laden long ago as well, and in fact stated once that this man was our worst enemy, we should be careful and watch his every move.  We got lax.  We should have had our eyes wide open when it came to letting people cross our borders be it on foot, by airplane, by train, by automobile or by bus.

Illegal immigration didn't start at the border of Arizona for sure.  It's everywhere and it has to be controlled.  I love all human race, I pass judgement on nobody by the color of their skin or how they talk; I prefer instead to judge people as individuals and not generalize based on stereotypes.  I will, though, fight for my country and the safety of my family and friends to the end.  This issue leaves a horrible taste in your mouth at the end of the day when you watch this on TV day and night, night and day, protesters everywhere be it pro or con.  This issue also has taken a toll on my paycheck.  When the state cut off all illegal immigrants from any type of welfare or state medical assistance, we lost thousands of patients here in Arizona.  I am willing to sacrifice my money now for what will hopefully be a better America in the long run.

As I said, it's another bittersweet for me.....


With rain comes humidity here in Phoenix....bittersweet!

We actually got us a storm this past week.  It cools us way down for about an hour and then we suffer the humidity for the next 3 days!!!!  UGH!!!

Storm is a brewin....



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